Just Keep Climbing
I’ve had a bucket full of wins lately. I have felt so good about my progression. However, when I realize I’m winning, there’s a shadow part of me that still tries to push the self-distruct button. I have been watching this unfold the last few days and have let it play out a bit. I just wanted to see what the cause and effect was, how it plays out, how to stop it. Like I’m an outside observer. Then at about 6pm today I said, “cool, good to know, now let’s start to course correct.”
I’m listening to The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle off an on while driving to and from work. He talks about doing just that. Being an observer of your life. No judgement. Just study your thoughts and actions so you can understand why and then we can heal it. Hopefully I am doing it right. That is my intention.
One thing I do know is that I’m sick and tired of wasting my life. I wasted several hours today. Granted, I was only at home because I was up most of the night with a tummy ache and then a headache and I called out of work for the first time. I hate calling out, but I just wasn’t feeling good. I had all this time to do all these things and I sat on the couch and watched 4 movies. FOUR! Movies I’ve seen several times. Like, not even new movies.
Jennifer, you didn’t feel well. Rest, woman! That was the whole point of staying home! haha! I did spend the rest of the evening redoing my website and writing blog posts. One ended up 23987394872394 paragraphs long so it will remain unpublished.
I spend too much time on my phone. I spend too much time watching tv. I spend too much time daydreaming.
Meanwhile, people are doing amazing things with their lives. Like I used to.
Scottish Man in a Van is my current fixation / crush. Not gonna lie. I have my first online crush on someone who doesn’t know me from Adam. He is aware of my existence since I signed up for his $5/mo subscription plan, but he doesn’t know me. hahahahahahaha. JFC, woman. He’s Scottish, wears a kilt, has a beard, blue eyes, a great smile, and lives in a van, and travels all around in it doing really fun things. I WANT TO JOIN HIM! Every video makes me miss my van. The adventurous woman I used to be. Sigh.
There’s a woman that just hiked up from Mexico well into Canada and I’m so in awe of her. She did it solo. 3 -4 months of hiking almost every day. By herself. Alone. Solo. Amazing. I want to do that.
These people are LIVING life alive IRL! I’m watching them while I waste mine. I didn’t used to do that.
I had it in my hand too and let it go. I drove to AZ, in my camper van, that I spent so much money on, and I let my dream just slip out of my fingers. I had it in hand! I was living it! I do love Arizona, but this has not gone well at all haha… sigh.
I don’t know if moving here was exactly what I needed or a huge mistake or both. I’ve learned so much. The wisdom gained is invaluable. There are days I am so grateful for moving here and other days I think it may have been a mistake. One I learned from, but still a mistake. I don’t know yet.
Can’t go back and change anything, so…
What do I do next?
I miss my kids. I miss my family. I don’t miss the PNW. Y’all have lost your minds up there, but I miss the Puget Sound and Cannon Beach and Mt. Hood and the HOH.
But then, I’ve never seen Scotland. My ex-husband is there now and I’m low-key envious haha! Not really, I’m excited for him. I just wish I was in a position to travel to the one country I’ve wanted to see since I was a child, too.
There’s a series of trails that connect from the southern tip of England to the northern tip of Scotland. I want to hike that. Solo. Or with someone. Both?
I think starting in May of 2026 is too soon, that’s only 8 months from now and I’m in pt for my knee still. However, starting in May of 2027 is more doable. Leave from PID in Toronto, fly to England and begin? Spend the summer walking up two countries?
That seems like a million years from now, but between now and then I can train, document it, and then maybe live off of brand deals while I do it. People do that. No reason why I can’t make it happen.
Maybe I’ll meet Scottish Man in a Van. hehehe.
My Tawy Van. She lives in CO now. I hear she broke down. Sad. I do miss her though. Dec 2022
Or a Scottish Man… Honeyman is cute last name though… Girl, get it together!
Oof, y’all.
I could also buy a van when I get there and travel the entire coastline of the UK. That sounds fun too.
In January I have to find a new place to live. Will it be AZ or WA or OR? I haven’t the slightest clue, but till then I’ll be pulling on the wheel of my boat so hard towards LIVING LIFE ALIVE IRL! Getting back out into the world and experiencing joy and sharing joy and truly LIVING.
I’m taking a pottery wheel throwing class next week.
I’m also getting out to do some photography next week, although it says it’s supposed to be 96 on my day off, so that might wait another week. Sigh.
Either way I am going to Zumba in the morning so I better go to bed.
This has been a tougher week than the previous weeks. Which is normal. There’s going to be some ebb and flow. I just gotta keep climbing. Just keep climbing, just keep climbing, just keep climbing climbing climbing, that’s what we do we climb, climb, climb, mmm mmmm mm mm mmm mm mm mm
