I am Forged in Fire.

I’ve never been afraid of change, that’s for sure. I sometimes wonder if I’m addicted to it. Can one be addicted to something like change? Probably, but that’s a topic for another day. While change is something I actually love. This time, I’m making a huge change DESPITE a lot of fear around it.

Honestly, I’m “low key” terrified, as the kids say.

I’m scared but I’m doing it anyway.

I’m moving back to the PNW.

After 3 years here, I’m packing up my stuff and headed home.

Why?

Over the last several months I’ve had to take a deep look inward to face things about myself that are holding me back. I’ve done a great job of unpacking and transmuting a lot of it. Through meditation, contemplation, and being brutally honest with myself, I’ve become aware of many things. Here are a few:

1. I moved away from the PNW under the guise of “I want adventure. I’m doing something I’ve always wanted to do.” Which were true, however, they were also fronts for the deeper reason. I was running away from situations I couldn’t control. From parts of me I didn’t want to confront. From pain I refused to feel. From truths I was ashamed of. Instead of facing and healing and coming to terms with all of these issues, I shoved them all in a box, hid it in a dark closet, and drove away in my beloved stealth camper van bound for adventure.

2. These boxed up demons are stinking up the closet, and the whole house, and need to be dealt with. Sometimes, we have to do that in person. “Distance healing” isn’t going to work here. I need to get inside that closet, turn on the light, and clean it out myself. I’m at a place where I can successfully do that and not get lost in it, I hope.

3. One positive reason I moved away was to help release attachments to people, situations, and outcomes, which I feel I’ve done a great job with. I no longer feel responsible for the progression and choices of others, not even my kids, my family, or closest friends. I have a responsibility to share the light, to point to the door to self-love, to worthiness, to healing, to progression. Whether or not anyone decides to walk through the door is completely their own affair. I know that in my bones now, whereas before I took every disempowering choice they ever made as a personal failure. I’m at a place where I can shine the light and not be attached to an outcome. I am not responsible for anyone’s choices but my own. I’m actually quite stern on not allowing others to force their personal responsibility onto me. Ask nicely and I’ll help, as best I can, in a way that is empowering and not enabling, but “that is my not problem to solve for you,” is one of my favorite responses now when people try to force it on me or anyone else.

4. Yes, I miss my kids. I miss my family and friends. I feel like I’m missing out on big and small moments in the lives of those I love the most. I miss some parts of the PNW. I’m already sick of the summers here. All of these are true. However, they are not the real reason I am moving back. Well, they are, but again, there is also a deeper reason: I have shit to do. I have to heal these parts of me. I’m moving back to heal myself, to progress.

5. My current job title ends in early January. My current living situation ends in early January. I have to move both job locations and living locations at the same time, so let’s move. I can keep postponing, and coming up with excuses, I can let the fear win for a few more months, or I can jump.

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Why am I so terrified?

1. The parts of me that need healed are huge. Core issues. This very much feels like a sink or swim situation. It will either make me or break me. I hope I’m wrong, that it’s not that dramatic, but I don’t know yet.

2. I fear that I’m running away again. I don’t think I am, but what if I just can’t see it? I keep digging and digging and I can’t find it, but it might still be there. This year has been brutal. I feel downright battle weary sometimes. However, I’ve never felt stronger, wiser, more grounded and stable in my life. I cannot be more grateful for this last year and everything I’ve learned and healed. My progression has been on a steep climb and it’s still going strong. I don’t want to fall into old patterns of running away. However, I feel like I’m running towards an even steeper climb ahead of me, so maybe I’m not running away from my issues. I’m running towards them. Hence the fear.

3. I’m giving up living near a person I love dearly and will miss so incredibly much as a friend. She is also my guide and she’s nearby for when I need help. She won’t be nearby up there. I’ll have to rely on other people I don’t know as well until I can fly down here to see her again. I don’t like that. However, there’s opportunity for growth there too. I won’t have that “fail safe” and I’ll really need to keep my focus strong and my energy clear. Due to not being certified, I kind of had to already. I’m not attending frequent events that provide this help, nor have I had the funds to pay for said help, so I’ve really had to focus and dig deep to keep myself clear. Most days I feel like I am succeeding wonderfully. This last week, I feel less sturdy, but I know I’m good. The knees are getting shaky, but I’m still holding strong.

4. I fear regression. What if I backslide on things I’ve healed? I don’t want to get sucked back in to disempowering mindsets that are suffocating the people of the Tacoma/Seattle/Portland areas. However, again, it’s still something I’ll learn from, so while I don’t intend on it, if it happens, I’ll turn it into a learning moment. My guide may not be nearby, but she can still deliver wake-up calls via Zoom, for sure.

5. The effing weather. Jeeeeeeeebus. I don’t want cold and wet anymore. We had a week of cold and wet here and I was not a happy girl, haha! Sigh. Then again, I do want it, specially in August haha.

6. More grief than fear, I’m giving up, at least temporarily, a part of the world I love deeply, except for the summer, (I’m so over it, let’s be real here), because I have shit to do. Eventually, I want to be one of those super annoying snowbirds, but for now I’m going home till the closet clean out job is done.

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One of my best qualities is that I don’t let fear stop me, it may delay me for a while, but it doesn’t stop me.

Sometimes I’m just straight up brave. I don’t fear the thing many others do, so doing it is easy. Bravery is more of an outsider perspective. There are things I have no fear of doing that terrify others. So, for me it’s just a Tuesday. For others it’s bravery.

Sometimes I’m courageous, I stand toe to toe with fear, knees shaking, and jump anyway.

Sometimes I have to build up the courage, I stand on the edge of the cliff for a bit and call the courage to me before I can jump.

I always eventually jump.

Courage or bravery. Either way, I’m built with loads of both of them. I’m built this way because I chose to be built this way. I chose these materials. I continue choosing these materials every day by doing things that force myself to be courageous.

Having said all that, I still won’t bungee jump or go white water rafting, so I do have my limits, I suppose, haha!

One might call it wisdom…. just sayin… ya crazies.

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Shortly after moving here I had a powerful meditation with a Phoenix, she told me I needed to prepare myself for what was coming. I didn’t understand then, but boy would I eventually understand perfectly.
Fire is transmutation energy, and boy has that been the last few years, but mostly the last year.

Forged with fire. Built with courage.

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What I’m looking forward to.

Oly and Sky and the saltwater.

Orcas. Rustling of leaves. Sam’s cheerful smile at Moonrise Cafe.
Sunsets over saltwater. Cold. Sunrises over mountains.
Valhalla Coffee mornings. Shade. Existing outside in August.
Debating life with my youngest. Laughing with my oldest.
Watching their piercing blue, blue/green eyes dance in seldom sunlight.
Beach combing with my mom and sister. My dad and his gardens.
Inviting my bro and his kiddo to things they can’t/won’t come to.
Puffy sweaters. Sloshy hikes. Raindrops on fern blades.
Meeting future me: Jennifer, the Demon Transmuter Goddess.

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What I’m going to miss.

Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly.

The sun. The sun. The sun. The sun. The sun. The sun. The sun.
Blue skies for months. Moonlit nights. The sun. Cacti that look like swords.
The sun. Warmth. Wearing almost nothing. Sassy kitten.
Stoic old cat. Waking up to dancing rainbow walls almost every day.
Sitting outside at a cafe in December. Cacti that look cuddly..
Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly. Kelly, Kelly. Kelly.