2 Years Ago Today

My son and I officially moved to Phoenix, Az on 6 June 2023.

4 months later he moved right back to Washington. The heat was too much. He also thought a change of state would help him shift things in his life. However, he learned what I tried to tell him: "where ever you go, there you are." Sometimes big changes helps us make shifts initially, but if you actually want change to last, you gotta uncover the stuck beliefs about yourself that has you trapped or inert in the first place. A change of location, job, relationship, or situation won't unpack that for you. It may be a vehicle to allow it to happen, but you still have to do the work.

Flat Iron. Lost Dutchman. Arizona.

I've been thinking about what I want in life. How I wish to help the world moving forward. Part of that is looking at possible new career paths. Substitute teaching is hard, but I find that I miss the little plague machines. So, I've been looking into full time teaching. Something artsy or creative. Something that isn't public education. I've been looking at different options and none of the training, for what I'm interested in doing, is here in AZ, and doing an online program completely defeats the purpose. I found a school in Eugene, Or, which knowing my history there, is hilarious. Portland, OR, which is my birth area, or a couple places in Washington, where I moved here from. Georgia, just no.

I started getting excited. "A move sounds about right. I'm getting antsy here. It's time to move on."

Wait... Am I getting antsy or am I uncomfortable and fleeing sounds better than fighting?

Where ever I go, there I am.

All the struggles I'm having here will be waiting for me in any of those locations.

It is completely possible that my time here is nearing done. It's possible that I learned what I needed to here, and to progress further, I need to go to one of these schools. It's totally possible.

However, right in this moment, it feels like an old coping strategy, that no longer works, is creeping in. I may still end up going to one eventually. Who knows. However, when I do go, it will be for the purpose of my personal progression, not at the expense of it.

SOME of the reasons I did VanLife were due to feeling lost, scared, and uncomfortable. (It was also something I had been wanting to do and I did find an overabundance of joy in it. Someday I'll do it agin.) I was running away from problems I couldn't solve. I felt powerless and scared as a parent, as a business owner, as a friend, as a family member, and nothing I was doing felt like was helping, so I left. "It's better for all involved if I just go away. If I can't help why be here?"

This is a large pattern I've had all my life. One I'm trying to heal not repeat. That pattern needs to be transmuted.

I had no desire to move to Phoenix. When I drove across that border and instantaneously felt a sense of Home I had never felt, I knew this was the right decision. I was big mad about it, too. I had just started VanLife. I loved it so much. I didn't even get to do the main things I wanted to do. Yet. I knew. I knew that this hot hellscape was home. It was for my progression that I needed to be here. It just took doing the whole VanLife thing to get me here. In letting go of so many attachments I had to do to do VanLife, it allowed me to move forward. I've progressed a lot here and I'm in a huge progression cycle now.

I actually LOVE Arizona. Which would shock old me completely. Yes, I miss my kids, my family, friends, the Puget Sound, the Pacific Ocean, the rain, the trees, the flowering trees, and all the flowers. Lilacs, I sure do miss Lilacs. Sigh. My friend just sent me a video of orcas he saw breaching... I want to be there! Sigh...

However, the Phoenix energy is strong, and coupled with all the activations, healings, classes, and tools I've learned in the mystery school, they have finally burned through a lot of my illusions that I had going on. It all continues to help me transmute stuck beliefs, old coping strategies that no longer serve me, bad habits, and old patterns that keeps me down.

It's so uncomfortable, y'all. Worth it, but ooooof!

There are things that can help us through quicker, like the activations and healings, etc, but they're not quick fixes, there's no bandaids, and Miracle Max doesn't have a chocolate coated pill to make it all go down easier. You gotta do the work.

Recently I realized that I still had a huge stuck belief that I am broken. There is something fundamentally just wrong with me. Defective. Can't be fixed, kind of broken. With in a couple days of realizing this, and reprogramming it, my knee, that I hadn't been able to walk on without sharp pain, all of May, just poofed back to normal. Well, it still needs strengthened back up, but the pain is gone. Woke up one morning and braced for pain as I stood up, and none came and hasn't since. One stuck belief revealed and, processed, and in the early stages of reprogramming, and the body responds.

Lately some relationship stuff has been bubbling to the surface, and old patterns began pop up, but I stopped, evaluated, and have began shifting those patterns. While these are but the first steps, I'm excited to see that I am progressing. That I am recognizing old coping strategies for what they are and working to reprogram them. Is it uncomfortable? Yup. Will future me be happy I did the work now? YES! I've learned that lesson the hard way in many areas, haha!

The last 8 or so months have been really hard. The last 2 have been brutal in many ways. There are times when I just am so tired and sad and frustrated. Then as clear some junk, as I see my progress, as I enjoy the fruit of my efforts, as I think about what my life will look like when I get through this tough patch, I get excited. I have hope. I will be so much wiser, so much stronger, so much healthier. I'll be able to help so many more people. To struggle for no purpose is dumb, but to struggle to overcome obstacles, to grow, to gain wisdom, to heal, to become the teacher who helped you, to light the path for those behind you. That is good struggle. That is worth staying and fighting for.

PSA:

Be careful of pushing all of your problems to future you's to-do list. Eventually you kick that ball one too many times and it hits a wall and bounces back and hits your face. Then future you becomes you and life isn't fun for you anymore.

Stop putting it off till tomorrow.

Do it now. Even if you don't want to or are scared to.

Trust me, just get it done.